Dave Carnie

To celebrate Huck 45, curated by artist, skateboarder and chronicler of teenage California Ed Templeton, we are having a Huck website summer takeover dedicated to Ed’s longtime muse, suburbia.

In this regular series, the Suburban Youth Pop Quiz, we ask characters from our world what their suburban youth meant to them.

Number seven is writer, photographer and editor-at-large at King Shit Skateboard Magazine Dave Carnie. Back in the ’90s/early ’00s, Dave was an editor at the era-defining Big Brother magazine where he once shipped mags in cereal boxes, helped give birth to the phenomenon that became Jackass and did his very best to piss off middle America (an art he still excels at).

Where did you grow up and can you describe it in three words?
California. Bay Area. Foster City, then Cupertino, then San Francisco. And, no, I cannot describe it in three words. I could probably describe it in maybe four, or five words, I’d probably need even more than that even, like nine, but there’s no way I can describe anything in only three words. Fuck that shit.

Who was your weirdest neighbour?
The Ha family. My friend Pete, the middle Ha boy, jacked off his cat, Herky, by tickling its balls with two fingers. Among other things.

What was the most important record you owned?
Big Black.

Where did the bad kids hang out?
The Fuck Hole. It was a tunnel for the creek that ran alongside the railroad tracks that went to the cement factory. There was also a rope swing.

Biggest fashion faux pas as a teenager?
I still Wham my pants.

Who was your first celebrity crush?
Ronald Reagan was dreamy.

Describe your first kiss.
I only do anal.

What happened the first time you got drunk?
I’m still drunk.

What is the naughtiest thing you did as a suburban youth?
So many to choose from. I’m going to nominate: I pooped on a neighbour’s car windshield.

What was the best party of your teenage years?
The Meth Amphetamine Anal Sex Jamboree.

What’s your most embarrassing suburban youth memory?
Watching my friend Pete jack off his cat.

What was the greatest lesson you learnt during that time?
That you can jack off a cat. And you don’t need to stop at stop signs in mall parking lots.

Who would you most like to see at a reunion?
Herky, the cat that Pete jacked off.

What was your first car?
After the banana boards, my first real skateboard was a Powell Peralta General Issue. It was a blue board with yellow bombs all over it. I made the mistake of outfitting it with Tracker trucks.

What was your food of choice?
Buttholes.

What was the biggest fight you ever had with your parents?
Probably the time I murdered them and hacked up their bodies with a spoon when they confronted me about pooping on the neighbour’s car windshield. That was a real hullabaloo.

What book/film changed your teenage life?
The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Butt Sex.

What posters did you have on your bedroom wall?
Adolf Hitler, Genghis Khan, Pol Pot, Richard Ramirez, Hello Kitty, some guy with a moustache wearing a Speedo next to a Ferrari, and Joseph Stalin.

Any hobbies you didn’t give up?
I still enjoy pooping on car windshields.

What smell reminds you most of the suburbs?
Farts.

See other interviews in the Suburban Pop Youth Quiz series and buy the Ed Templeton issue at our online store.